If I ruled the world cell phones would shut themselves off when moving faster than an experienced bicyclist can ride on a flat, straight highway. It’s ludicrous that someone can maim and kill me or, worse, my wife, kids and grandkids, just so they can text “OMG!” to their BFF. We don’t need the feds sticking their nose into cell phones, you screech? All that tells me is you are not among the growing subset called, “People Who Have Lost a Loved One to the Selfish Insanity of Texting While Driving.”
If I ruled the world no oldies station DJ would be permitted to play a vintage tune without telling us the artist or band. He or she would be free to do it before the song or after, but one of the other would be mandatory upon penalty of attack by a crazed old man who cannot, for the life of him, remember who in the he-double toothpicks recorded “A Whiter Shade of Pale.” Arrgghhhh!
If I ruled the world the price for serious and continued abuse of any child would be life in prison without any chance … zip, zero, zilch … of parole and I mean forever. At certain ages applying a little palm-inflicted heat to the backside would actually be encouraged from time to time, but only as needed and never anything more severe.
If I ruled the world there would be no liver spots on the forearms of old folks. Sagging eyelids on senior citizens (look close at me sometime) wouldn’t exist either.
If I ruled the world wiener dogs would be a barkless species.
If I ruled the world grass would grow lush and green and immaculate … then stay that way in perpetuity.
If I ruled the world all men’s slacks size 40 and up would include a cleverly hidden strip of elastic on the port and starboard sides. All of them. Without fail.
If I ruled the world people would sleep even longer and more soundly in old age than they did in their youth, which is, of course, exactly the opposite of how sleep works now.
If I ruled the world a slack-jawed kid standing behind a cash register with his cap on backwards would never call me “Bud.” And he would NEVER utter the words, “No problem.”, when I thank him right after he didn’t thank me.
If I ruled the world this quote would be funnier (it’s not) than it is true (which, sadly, it is) … “Let me sum it up for ya: We got some people who work for a living, and we got some people who vote for a living.” – Hank Williams, Jr.